September Diary8

         I was at Paddy’s in Ventura. Around one o'clock I had enough of waiting for someone to touch and talk to me, so I left, vowing to never come again. I promised to myself I would be a celibate hermit and find all my desires in books and movies and hobbies at home. Some people are not meant to go out and make friends. I have autism, I am in my 30’s, and I am gay. These are facts which society uses against me in my quest for happiness. I can't change who I am and I can't make people understand. All I can do is live the rest of my life in peace and solitude. 

         All I need is my fantasies, real life is fake and an illusion. I can be a fashion designer and rock star in my mind. I am a great person and nobody will ever know the real me. It is locked away deep inside me where no one can break it into little tiny pieces. When you open up, you open yourself to scrutiny, judgment, and disappointment. 

         When I returned to Camarillo, there was one police car left. In the morning it was gone. At my apartment I could see the building across from where the meth boy and his brother were arrested. The police Detectives were still there removing the shipments of drugs and weapons. I guess I live in an officially bad neighborhood. It has not been the same since the black cat was kidnapped and the nice blond man and his family moved away.  

       I slept until late. It was a cool night, but an impossibly hot day. I lay in bed sweating and hungry. The lukewarm coke by my bed did not satisfy me. I looked at my phone and saw two missed phone calls on my cell. They were from my dad and my only older gay friend Jeffery. Jeffery never calls me, I always have to make the first move. He's been very busy lately. I recently asked him if we were still friends. He confirmed that everything was okay and he was just very very busy.

         I tried to call him back. He was not answering. Next, I called my dad. He had good news. I did not have to stuff my stuff in a bag and drag it around school. He would pick me up at school tomorrow and we could go to my apartment, get my stuff and take me to Ojai to watch his pets while he took off.
          I decided to indulge in my sushi addiction. As I started on my journey around sunset, I noticed how normal and civilized everything looked. There was no sign of the chaos that had been seen yesterday. Still I felt something shift in the energy of Camarillo and I no longer felt safe.

A guy arrived at the sushi place at the same time as me. He was around my age, but not very attractive. Despite his looks, he was nice. We had a good talk about salmon, tuna and edamame. The waiter said it would take 20 minutes to get our orders ready. I set my timer and said goodbye to the stranger, looking for something to kill time. 

 I walked over to Topper's Pizza next door. I wanted to see if the salad bar was back after the pandemic. The man behind the counter was jealous of me as I told him my mission to accessorize my sushi with a drink and salad. I got a tin and some lids and made one of the greatest salads I've had in a while. I started with crisp, dark green lettuce I love so much and dressed the green goddess in layers of ravishing red radishes and gorgeous golden garbanzos. The creamy dressing would go on the side. I don't believe in eating soggy salad.

 

While there I saw a cute man waiting in line. He had mousy brown hair and a silver chain

around his neck. He did not look very intelligent or tough, in fact i thought at first he might have down syndrome. He was short and stocky.His face was round and childlike, cute in a way.

I could not tell how old he was. Maybe that was part of his charm. We had moments

where we stared at each other with longing. I was about to leave with my salad and drink,

but decided to sit down. I pretended to look at my receipt from the sushi place,

so I could learn and observe.

I saw the stocky cute man staring at me from across the room. He was with an older

Mexican manI wanted to say something to him, but was too shy. I did not have much time left

on my phone timer, so I walked

his way and passed by casually.

Once I was out the door, I forgot all about him as I saw the dollar tree across the street.

I had hopes of looking at

the halloween decor, but everything else was crap. I miss the days when they had

cheap movies on DVD.

Then the twenty minute timer I set up earlier went off and alerted me that

my sushi was ready.

At the sushi restaurant, The ugly young man from earlier was there. He was humming to 

the spice girls on the restaurant speakers. I used to think ‘wannabe’ was the most

 embarrassing song in the world, but now it gave me a strange comfort. 

Two more people were waiting for their food when I got there. 

Tough looking Mexican men in tattoos getting their first taste of Japanese cuisine. 

They got their food before me and the man did. Later, The waiter came out with two bags.

 I left and expected the ugly man to drive off, but he took his food into a nearby bar.

I passed by the pizza place on my way home and could see the cute stocky guy

again in the window.

His back was turned to me. Two more friends had joined them since I left.

I made a shortcut through a bar and

found myself in an alleyway. A group of  young people were walking behind me.

I felt a fear that they were the ghetto people from yesterday. I had images in my head

of having my throat cut, stabbed and left in the middle of the street in a pool of blood to die alone or be dragged away

in a trash can, to be a body stumbled upon in the

morning. I thought these happy thoughts until I turned the key in my door.

I looked at all the declouis food and realized I'm going to need an ice chest for tomorrow if I'm staying in Ojai for a week. Just for the car ride and the grocery trip. I hope the fish and salad stays fresh. Then again typing about food is making me hungry. Maybe there won't be sushi in the morning.